Too Late
by NettieC
Summary: When the end comes suddenly, it's too late to change things. That's why we need to live life and take chances while we can.


Disclaimer: They don't belong to me.

Too Late

**_Sometimes the hardest lessons we learn are when it is too late for it to matter..._**

It wasn't possible… plainly and simply it wasn't possible.

The sky outside was blue and cloudless, the sun was out gently warming the city and the laughter of children playing in the street below drifted up and in through the opened window.

The scene within the apartment was in stark contrast to the glorious spring day beyond its walls. Instead of being full of new life bursting forth like the world outside this apartment only held death. The smell of cut grass and flowers in bloom was easily replaced by the acrid smell of gunpowder and blood.

Don Cragen burst into the room, the same one he had dispatched two of his best detectives to only thirty minutes previously. It was supposed to be a routine call … a follow up to a witness statement. It was supposed to be a visit to clear up some paper work, not one resulting in the ME being called out…Being called out for one of his detectives. No, it definitely wasn't supposed to be that.

He moved in through the sitting room to the kitchen, and saw what he was expecting but hadn't allowed himself to even contemplate on his dash from the 1-6.

"Olivia?" he called out quietly from the door and slowly watched her lift her head. She was slumped in the corner cradling Elliot in her arms, blood turning her cream shirt red and streaking her face.

"Cap," she whimpered, holding him tighter.

He moved closer to her and crouched down, mindful of the pool of blood surrounding them.

"Olivia … Liv, you have to let him go," he said gently, reaching for her hands.

"Melinda needs to…"

"She's not having him," Olivia spat.

"Liv, honey, Elliot's gone. Melinda needs to do her job …" He pried her hands and eased Elliot's body from her grasp before helping her stand. Slowly he guided her around her partner and to a chair. "Olivia, did you get hurt?" he asked gently, scanning her body but not able to tell to tell whether the blood was hers or Elliot's. She could only shrug.

"Okay, we're going to get you checked out at Mercy, then I'll have Huang talk to you and…" He stopped when he saw her tears run down her face, mingle with the streaks of blood and drip onto her shirt. Ignoring all the departmental memos and leadership policies about proper procedures and protocols he bent down and embraced her. Holding her close to him and trying to alleviate the pain she was experiencing, knowing his attempts would be futile but needing to try anyway.

When he let go, Olivia's eyes fixed firmly onto Elliot as Melinda moved to him. The ME looked at Olivia and then Don and gave a quick shake of her head.

"Liv, you don't need to be here for this," he said, helping her stand.

"I'm not leaving him alone," she retorted.

"I'm here for him, Liv," Melinda said gently. "I promise I'll look after him."

Despite every desire to lie down beside her partner and never let him go, Olivia allowed herself to be led out of the room; she only got to the door before she ran back and knelt beside him. She touched his face and held his hand, knowing the next time she did his body would be cold. "I'm so sorry," she whispered kissing his forehead. "I'm so sorry."

The room was silent for a few minutes before Fin and Munch raced to the door, breathless and bewildered – needing to see it for themselves before they'd believe the calls they received about Elliot's death. Munch stayed at the door while Fin moved to Olivia, wrapping an arm around her as he crouched next to her.

"Hey Livvy," he whispered, kissing her head. "So sorry, baby."

She allowed herself to lean into him, finding comfort in his presence. "He can't be dead, Fin," she whispered. "He just can't."

Melinda glanced at Fin and he knew they had to move.

"Why don't I take you to Mercy to get checked out?" he offered, holding her close to him. She nodded … she preferred to be with Fin rather than Don … actually she preferred Elliot but that wasn't possible… not now … not ever again. She sobbed in Fin's arms as he guided her downstairs and to the car.

After being cleared by the doctor at Mercy, spoken to by IAB and by Huang, Olivia collected her belongings at the precinct and headed to the elevator to go home. Fin stopped the door from shutting and stepped in with her.

"Where are you headed, girl?" he asked, standing beside her. She shrugged. "You wanna head home? Go grab a drink? Go …" He stopped when his questions were met with her tears. "Oh baby." He wrapped his arms around her and she reciprocated before resting her head on his chest and sobbing. Fin reached out and hit the emergency stop button, wanting to give her all the time she needed in the privacy of the steel box they were in before the doors opened and their colleagues surrounded them.

Soon enough Olivia pulled herself together and wiped at her eyes.

"Thanks Fin," she muttered as he hit the button again.

"So, where do you want to go?" he asked again.

"Um… I want to go see El …" she said quietly.

"Then that's where we'll go," he replied, as the door opened. He linked his arm through hers and walked them out.

Standing in Autopsy, Olivia was chilled to the bone. She stood frozen as she watched Melinda wheel her partner over, his form covered by a blue sheet. She shook her head at the irony, blue was always the best colour on him … Melinda stopped the gurney in front of her and went to pull back the sheet but Olivia stopped her, she wasn't ready … she didn't know if she'd ever be ready to look down into his lifeless face, to feel his cold skin, to never hear his voice again, never feel his touch.

"You don't have to do this, Livvy?" Fin quietly said from behind her.

"Yeah, I do," she replied, knowing seeing him would make it very real - something she needed … She raised her heavy arm and let her fingers tightly grip the sheet before easing it back excruciatingly slowly. She watched unblinking as his hair came into view. It was so short and receding … she recalled all the times she had imagined running her fingers through it. Her nails gently grazing his scalp, imagining the responses it would elicit from him. She recalled all the times she had dreamed about him, her fingers would invariably end up splayed through his hair as she controlled his head in a deep and passionate kiss.

The sheet dropped lower and his eyes came into view, they were closed and her heart nearly stilled at the thought she would never look into those azure orbs again. Those same eyes which said so much more than his mouth ever could. Those eyes which reflected his inner demons, his love for his children and his passion for the job. Those amazing deep pools of blue where her complete faith and utter trust in him were reflected back to her.

Next came his mouth … she remembered the arguments, the jokes, the wise cracks, the questions, the yelling … she remembered her thoughts of kissing him, of him kissing her … her lips, her face, her body…. Just once she would have liked to have known what it felt like to be kissed by him … just once.

Olivia rested the sheet on his chest and picked up his hand. She knew this was her opportunity to say goodbye but suddenly the words wouldn't come. She wasn't sure whether there were any words in the English language which could do justice to the immense gaping hole she had in her heart. And she wasn't sure that even if there were she'd ever be able to utter them … ever be able to bring herself to say goodbye to the only person who she had ever really loved … ever allowed into her heart …

Elliot's death only served to remind her that life was fleeting and nothing was forever. In her own life filled with immense pain and tragedy, this was another thing she had to deal with … while she had battled hard and overcome so much she knew she would never overcome this one … she may go on in body but it wouldn't be living … it wouldn't be a life … hers was over the minute the bullet meant for her ripped into his chest and exploded through his heart.

Knowing he gave his life for hers only made it worse – he had family; his children, his mother, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, cousins, aunt and uncles, friends ... an ex-wife. He had people who loved and needed him … who relied on him … he should have let the bullet take her … she had no one … nothing … she wouldn't be missed … no one loved her … no one needed her … she was the one who was expendable not him …

Her tears gently dropped onto the blue sheet and she squeezed his hand once more…

She bent down to kiss his forehead. "I don't think you'll ever know just how much I love you and need you, Elliot," she whispered. "You are the other half of me … my soul mate … even though neither of us really believe in it." She kissed him again. "Promise me we're good … I don't think I can go on if we're not…" She wiped away her tears as Fin took her arm.

"Livvy, we need to go, Mel needs to do her thing," Fin said quietly as Olivia kissed him one more time.

Fin walked her towards the door, trying to stop her looking back at him. When Melinda went to move the gurney it was too much for her.

"Elliot!" she screamed running back to him. "No! Elliot! No!!"

"Hey, hey…" She felt strong arms surround her and bear her weight as her body seemed to crumble beneath her. "Livvy, breathe, breathe," he soothed as she sobbed uncontrollably. "Just breathe, Liv…."

In the agonising minutes which followed she struggled to control her breathing and tried to stop the wave of nausea rising up inside her. His hands rubbed her back as she fell into his body, praying he'd take the pain away.

Slowly Olivia's pain eased and she pulled back, allowing herself to look up as he gently wiped away her tears.

"What was that about, baby?" he asked quietly.

"Nothing," she whispered, pulling him closer to him. "Nothing, El."

She knew it was only a nightmare … it wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last either. She'd never had them … not in all the years they had been partners, not even when they stopped being partners. They only started five months previous when she fell pregnant with his child.

"I died again, didn't I?" he whispered kissing her head and pulling her into his lap on their bed. She nodded. He took her hand and placed it on his heart. "I promise you I am alive and well, Livvy."

"I know," she agreed, feeling her body meld to his, her head resting in the crook of his neck. Olivia's racing heart slowed to match his, her breathing became purposeful and deep as she followed the rise and fall of his bare chest.

"Wanna tell me about it?" he whispered into her ear before kissing her head once more.

"Nuh," she sighed, wanting to forget all about it. Elliot held her to him and rocked her gently, hoping the still frequent shudders would disappear for good. He hated the trauma the nightmares put her through, and him. The piercing scream as she yelled 'No!' chilled him to the bone. Her panic stricken face, uncontrolled breathing and heartbreaking sobbing tore at his heart. However, it was pain he saw in her eyes that nearly killed him, each and every time. It was a look of utter devastation that he had never seen before … not in everything they had seen, everything they had been through. It was reserved only for the immediate aftermath of her nightmares in which she lost him.

Olivia shuffled in his lap and held his head in her hands, her fingers splayed through his hair. Quickly she claimed his mouth with hers … desperate to feel him … touch him … taste him. Slowly he eased her back onto the bed and half covered her body with his. "I love you very much, Olivia Stabler," he whispered before proving to her he was well and truly alive.

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**_If you've read this far and liked it, please let me know._**

**_If you haven't liked it, why did you keep reading?_**


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